“Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.” – Augustine
Recently, I was driving back home to Virginia from Indianapolis after almost 4 weeks of an absolute blast just resting and spending time w/my family over the holidays. As I was heading back to work [and reality], I was all up in my feelings…I guess because that’s just where I be at sometimes, lol. But also…Since I turned 40 back in August, I think I’ve been stuck on the fact that I am and have been, for a long while, waiting on God regarding some time-sensitive matters. Waiting has been hard and, on top of that, God hasn’t really said much. That part has been really frustrating.
It’s interesting…the frustration piece. Frustration, for me, is typically my emotional response to unfulfilled/unmet needs or wants, unresolved matters that I can’t fix, or being misunderstood by people I care about. The interesting part was my realization that I definitely and lowkey have a set of performance standards for God in my heart and in my mind. Sounds crazy even writing it because, hello…it’s GOD. Perfect in all His ways, God. That I’d line Him up against anything is wild. And the thing about performance standards for God is that if they are defined and informed by anything other than who He actually is and what the Word says about Him and His promises, in our minds, He will rarely meet them. Even worse, if we are not attentive, we might begin to assess, relate and submit to Him (or not) in light of how He performs instead of who He is. That’s no good. I think I’d been so wrapped up in my wants that I didn’t realize how much space I’d let between God and I…how I couldn’t fully appreciate this beautiful life that He’s given me…how much presence I’ve lacked.
All of this, not so randomly, led me to marinating deeply on the life of clay. The title and the whole concept are oxymoronic, right? Clay has no life on it’s own. Whatever it is to become, wherever it goes and the extent of it’s usefulness are all wholly dependent on whose hands it’s in. How many of us really and sincerely receive the idea that we were created for God and not vice versa? He gave us life solely so that He could live in us and through us to reflect HIS glory and accomplish HIS purposes. And…how many of us are cool with the idea of being still unless and until God takes us up in His omniscient, all-powerful yet gentle, loving, highly capable Hands and begins or continues His work on and in us? Even more overwhelming…He knows who and what each of us are, He’s well aware of where we’ve been, and He still eagerly reaches for these lumps of clay.
Lord, thank You for Your patient persistence as I’ve asked for Your will to be done and sometimes stand in the way as You see to it. Forgive me for my feeble attempts to form and fashion myself and my life into anything other than and, consequently, less worthy, of your plan for me. I’m still marinating on all of this, but thank You in advance for helping me lean into your shaping, to become more pliable and fit for Your use.
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