It’s been a really long time. It’s crazy to think that I used to blog religiously (RIP Xanga!)…I never overthought and yet the thoughts that came out were exactly what they should have been. Writing, for me, has always been the sweetest escape. Cathartic and necessary. Since the age of 12, I’ve documented my thoughts in numerous journals (and Word documents, random notebooks, private blogs, Evernote, etc.). I’ve often joked w/my parents that when I die, they’ll have a ton of books to sift through, LOL. I still write a lot…I just keep it all close to home. And that’s how it often goes…I’ll get great ideas of things I want to share…need to share…but then I’ll put it on the shelf for later and later never comes.
So, story time. This was my first week back to work after being off last week and only working a couple of days the week before. It had been a while since I had some free “me”/non-work time, so I was REALLY looking forward to the weekend. And you have to understand something about this anticipation…I was more pressed about this weekend than Thanos was about snapping his finger…It was LIKE THAT. So, as I’m looking forward to the long weekend (I’m off every other Friday), I received a text from someone I know who was planning to come into town this weekend and was asking without asking to stay with me. And honestly, because I needed the time, no parts of me had even entertained an affirmative answer. Fast forward a few hours and I’m on the phone with my dad. When I mention it, he’s like, “make sure you pray about it.” He said it like three times AFTER I appealed to him using my feelings (LOL). Now…why would such a suggestion send this Christ-loving follower whose primary prayer is always that His will be done and says that she wants only what He wants into an adult tantrum and kill my whole everything? Because honestly, it didn’t even dawn on me that this was something I needed to pray about, especially because my mind was made up. And…I knew that asking God would fling the door wide open to the great potential of me having to do something I simply just didn’t want to do. *cringes hard at that exposure*
Everything “worked out” and I’m typing this in the midst of my long-awaited “me” time. That conviction, though. The Lord dropped a question in my spirit as we talked yesterday: “Do you really think you’re here for you?” One of the grandest and detrimental lies I’ve ever believed is that the answer to this question is yes. And while I’ve never said it with my mouth, I’ve definitely said it with my life. Most of us also would never say this, but…we often live as if we’re here for God to give us things and make us happy. God IS and does so much for us, but we are truly filled to be emptied. And not just once, but over and over (I’m sure this is another post). And that’s where my issue was. I’m often looking for God’s BIG leadings and BIG directions, barely even considering that my obedience and willingness in the small things must come first. In the past few days, I just realized that I tend to view these “small” inconveniences as flies that got into the house and immediately begin to attack them mercilessly with the fly swatter of my self-centeredness. But…what if these “inconveniences” are really God-given opportunities for which He’s just looking for my availability, openness and willingness to be used by Him?
So here I am, at 38 and walking with God for a long time, with freshly opened eyes to something that was so obvious. It was so small until it wasn’t. I didn’t pass the test this time, but I’m thankful for the lesson. Praying for God’s help to seek Him in all things, keep the door of my heart propped open, and to keep that “yes” on deck.
I had planned to say so much more and bring in some scripture, but I’m an old lady and it’s past my bedtime (for a school night). Don’t you dare look at that timestamp, LOL…just take my word for it😉. Night.