I was texting with my mentee/a fellow examiner one weekend. At 25, she was going through a major breakup with her first serious boyfriend. She spoke about how different single life is and what she has been doing to occupy her time. Then she randomly asked me, “How do you cope?” I’m not gonna lie…at first, I literally LOL’ed. Cope?! She framed that thing up like it was a freaking disease! But that’s [kinda] beside the point and a whole different post. I guess it was a valid question, though. In the 3+ years I’ve known her, I’ve dated, but she has never known me to be in a serious, long-term relationship. So anyway…after the laughter and without any hesitation, my response to her was, “I just live my life.”
To understand how huge those words were for me, you have to first know where I’ve come from. I never wanted to be a young, fresh out of college wife. I felt extremely pressed to have some “me” time in my own space and to figure out who I was and why God put me here. Even though I allotted for this meantime, I don’t think I fully embraced it’s purpose as I found myself constantly looking forward to the “wife and mom” end zone. I drudged through the early years of my career almost completely detached…pretty much passing time. I wanted to be fully flexible and ready to accommodate whoever came into my life. Even if that meant changing or possibly giving up my career. And unfortunately, instead of growing and cultivating my relationship with God, I spent a large portion of it questioning Him about what He was/wasn’t doing and allowing my frustration to create space between us. Space which the enemy almost always had suggestions for how to fill…and my eager self was almost always there for it.
But interestingly enough, nothing stuck…no one stuck around. I would meet some pretty amazing guys, but they would almost always fall off. Like, disappear into thin air with no explanation. I really was starting to wonder if something was wrong with me. Well…still do, honestly. The last time God had to pry a man who I deeply cared for from my grip, it devastated me. But what happened after this one was different. It was 2013 and he quit with exactly four months until the first part of my upcoming promotion exam. So, I threw all of my energy into studying and I started Crossfitting. I figured if I did all of these things in addition to working, I’d be too exhausted to miss him. I wasn’t, lol…but again, beside the point. Long story short, I passed both parts of my promotion exam…my career began to flourish…I purchased my first home…I started saying yes when friends asked if I wanted to go on vacation…I saw some world and a good portion of it solo…completely revamped my diet/lifestyle…lost 30 more pounds and 8 dress sizes. These things are important to note because I was waiting on “him” for a good portion of them. I released the “pause” button and lived…and I didn’t even realize it until I answered her question.
More than anything, I caught a rare glimpse…a mere fraction of what God is doing in my life. I’ve done so many things wrong along this journey. However, the best and most important thing I’ve ever done is to continually ask God to let His will be done in my life. Perspective (how you see it) is everything. This excruciatingly long “meantime” is not and never was His denial of my “happiness.” It is simply my Loving Father honoring my request and giving me what I’ve asked Him for. Implicit in His will for my life is that I come to know Him and dwell in relationship with Him. Hearing from Him has been the sweetest, most rewarding part. I have always known God is good, but the extent to which just keeps on growing as I get to know Him. Today, I look back at every “no” and “not yet” and I thank Him. I thank Him SO much. Because now I realize how absolutely underwhelmed I might be with my life and how underdeveloped I might be in the knowledge of who I am if He had given me what I wanted.
I’ve thought very long and hard about what I’m about to do…and that is to be super frank…super open…super exposed about singleness. I don’t want to be this vulnerable, but I think I should. There are a lot of us out here single…but very few of us who actually care about navigating this God’s way. We need each other. I have no idea how often I’ll post about this or related topics, but I’ll do it more. Pray for me;).